i'm trying for this, and so far it's been easy, just because i realize how low i had sunk. what isn't easy is realizing that i can't control how people perceive what i'm doing or that this is most likely of the utmost importance. i feel that i'm on the border of something good, but it's people that are holding me back from really diving in. they're important people. they're the ones that matter. or the one that matters. i embarrassed myself, unknowingly (and still to this day i'm just taking word for it), and i lost something that could have been amazing. what's keeping me on track is knowing that it was needed. it never would have gotten better had i not fallen face first. never would have improved had i not been given each woken moment with this immense feeling of guilt and shame. walk of shame, i own you.
i ended it. i did. but it's not like that week didn't happen. it happened. and i'm doing everything to make myself right to get that level of happiness back again...just this time i'm going to be able to handle it. whoever is there to enjoy it with me isn't the point; the fact that i know i will be in control is.
it just really fucking sucks that he doesn't see i'm giving up birthday parties, habits, friends and amazing times to prove i know i fucked up and i'm fixing it. maybe i was right about him all along.
