It's been one year, one month, one week of my boyfriend and I together. Trying to make a relationship last through such tumultuous changes and frustrated pressure (of work mostly) has been a focus that has never been easy, but worth fighting for and discovering pieces of me/us that laid dormant from years of self preserving. A moment ago, he sent me a text with a simple request, and not even. More like a proclamation-- Out of my life. It definitely hurts, mainly because I stupidly, STUPIDLY made this move around a month ago. I admitted that it was a selfish move that came after a night of drinking and many friends had received almost the same text at the same time. I vowed not to drink that hard for as long as I could. I kept up with that promise, but still lay in my own torment of letting that happen in the first place. So there's that, but also because he sends this text after a night of drinking and smoking and it's two am on a work night. He worked so hard to halt on those things for a bit and up until tonight was flooring me with his persistence. So much so that I threw my 'emergency' cigarettes away when I got home earlier today and somehow managed to have only two drinks on a holiday and finished the night off with a diet coke. Watching him commit to being better to himself made me want to, too.
I'm upset about the relapse, but it happens. Sometimes the conditions are right and you just stumble. What really hurts was the drastic change from a kiss on the forehead and an 'ill be in soon' to a drunken tumble into the room three hour later where he called me dramatic and kept kicking me out of his house.
He's right, I won't be happy with him or myself if nights like this are on the horizon. I did get the cab ride home, plopped into my bed after staring at the now half-dome eye, and received a really shitty text. I don't know how we can both so strongly believe in ourselves so much without knowing that the other comes first. I guess I have to wonder if I even do. Is it possible to over worry in that instance? I back his decision to quit hurtful habits and freak out at the thought of him getting hurt, but that stresses him out and he'd rather not hear it.
I adore him, so I'm confused. How do dial affection down a notch when that's just how you've always been and that's how you feel? That question was almost too pathetic. I refuse to backspace for anything but misspellings however. At this point I wish I was buzzed so I could at least fall asleep without motoring this over in my head a thousand times. Three am, I'm still wide awake. And I can't text him back because he really needs sleep. But, if I did, I'd tell him I don't need to start over, I'm fine the way I am, and I'd rather stay here until the right time we could find a new place together. But I did tell him that and right now isn't a good time for reminding.
I wish I had more to hash out and say, but I'm tired and this eye is only getting worse, and I'm more sad than focused. We've been together for over a year, this moment isn't right. I want to turn back time and ask him to drink diet coke with me or come to bed. But in reality there's no one to fool- we make our own decisions and we get the repercussions.
Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.9
