It's pretty tough to write this, because it's all coming out by force. However I have to start remembering things clearer than I currently do so this is what I have to use.
I just about broke today, if I didn't. I ditched work on a personal day and then drafted up a resignation letter. I took pictures for my best friend who is moving to farasfuckawayland and then found the precise apartment that I want to move into, 2,133 miles west of Chicago. I put the feelers out for a new career path and contacts out there, and took a stab at my debt for analyzing. I currently owe (not including Sallie Mae, the false Sallie Mae, or AES) approximately $1,023 and I'm out a license and a Social Security Card. I wrote an email to my family detailing how exactly I was planning on paying that off within one and a half months, I shot over a message to a friend in a restaurant asking for an application for a temporary position, and even looked at government loans for Grad programs at the Universities nearby my destination. I know what common sense is saying right now, because I discovered it as well--they don't offer government loans for Grad programs. Shit. So that is still up in the air somewhere, and I'll try to rope that cloud sooner or later.
I can do this, if I really, really want to and if I really, really know how to make it work this time. Someone great recently told me that you start finding your passion in life by trying activities (or hobbies, or jobs, or whatever) like you would a sampler. And then another great person added that — and it's been proven — it takes ten years to master anything. So maybe I don't want to master anything at all, except for sampling. I want to try everything and meet hundreds of people but would be totally content only connecting to one at a time. The problem is, I still get attached...to just about everything. Have you ever had a conversation with me? How many cities and states do I call "home"? How many hockey teams do I claim "the best"? Am I capable of having a favorite band? Beer? Day of the week? Color? Even people that treat others kinda sorta horribly...are probably still in my life, unless they are creepy. I get attached to the general public, even if they do piss me off all the time (case in point).
At this point, someone somewhere should be rolling their eyes. Ah yes, okay, okay, this girl is a vagabond or bohemian or just utterly dramatic and needs a strong dose of Prozac and "hi, i'm Reality, you must be Idiot". So this is also where I sheepishly admit to finally giving a try to a therapist, as embarrassing and public as this may be. I wouldn't be able to make decisions like this with a clean conscience not having an outside opinion. I am a mess at organizing life. And maybe this admission will help someone later to read that, if only myself. And I will probably follow up with after the meeting and personal reflections, blahblah.
Paranoia and insecurity can't work in my life, I have no room for it.
