i'm done drinking the sauce.
It was tough tonight. It was a tough call to make--a Saturday night in Wrigleyville. But there's always a day one...
One of my best friends came into town yesterday and it had been forever since I had seen her, so I was ready for this weekend to be amazing and drunken and memorable. Friday night meant friendly house party thrown by a great design bunch, and I was nicely invited. And then I go and I make an asshole out of myself at least three times, to a terribly disgusting degree, at a lovely apartment hosted to us all by someone I didn't even know. And later, I hurt someone I loved (again) with useless, irresponsible words that I inevitably forgot, due to over-imbibing.
No more sloshing my life night after night after excuse. At least not for a while.
So then today, I showered pretty, blew my hair out, fancied my makeup a step further, and then made a choice that I wasn't going to sip a spot of alcohol. I then get to a house party and immediately freeze. I mean I REALLY didn't get far. I think I was there for six minutes before I freaked out, grabbed my shit, and booked for Subway to get some food and a diet coke. In all fairness I felt a little ridiculed when they handed me a shot and I said no and they stared. They offered me a beer and I said no and they stared. They didn't get it.
The amazing turnabout from all this is that true, I'm fucking embarrassed that I left so awkwardly, but this is who I am. It was a conscious decision and will be what I try to focus on as I do this. No-drinking isn't some twisted punishment, contrary to my original plan; I'm bettering myself in an attempt to self-preserve. I must learn to socialize without three drinks. Get creative without copying a friend. Be a better person to the world. Everyone deserves better than the shit I've been dishing out to them since I really started drinking so heavily.
And everyone starts with me at the top of the list, of course. But it's benchmarked by relationships that I refuse to poison with my idiocy or selfishness again.
